I’m Sorry, I’m Not Sorry: How Not to Apologize Before the High Holidays

Who said saying “I’m sorry” would be easy? Sadly, even after “apologizing,” people still find ways to avoid saying they’re sorry.

Here are 3 common mistakes to avoid when saying you’re sorry. If any examples were left out, well, I’m sorry.


Who said saying “I’m sorry” would be easy? Sadly, even after “apologizing,” people still find ways to avoid saying they’re sorry.

Here are 3 common mistakes to avoid when saying you’re sorry. If any examples were left out, well, I’m sorry.

  1. “Mistakes were made” – This is a great way to say you’re sorry, without actually admitting guilt. It’s commonly used by politicians – for example, see this New York Times article: Familiar Fallback for Officials: Mistakes Were Made.) This technique may work for politicians trying to save face during a national crisis, but friends deserve better.
  2. “If” – If you want to really say you’re sorry, avoid the word IF. Statements like “I am sorry IF I offended you,” don’t convey true remorse and leave the recipient thinking, “Umm… yeah, but you did offend me!” Take ownership of your errors and skip the “if” so you won’t have to later apologize for your apology.
  3. “You feel that way” – The best coldhearted apologies are short and not sweet. “I am sorry you feel that way” is an easy way of telling a friend you’re not so sorry for what you did. Once you’re saying “I’m sorry,” go the extra mile. You can be sure that after saying “I am sorry you feel that way,” whoever you hurt is just going to feel worse.

If you already violated one of these pointers, don’t panic! Rebbe Nachman of Breslov (Likkutei Moharan #6) reminds us that even our teshuva (repentance) requires teshuva. Growth is a constant process, and so – many times – are apologies. If you didn’t get it right the first time, try again. Just because your first attempt consisted of “If you were offended by mistakes that were made I am sorry you feel that way,” it is never too late to do it right. And the best time for a sincere apology is always now.