We may not talk about it out loud. We may not talk about it at all. But deep down, we all know that respect is what it’s all about. Kanye West doesn’t get it. Neither does Serena Williams. So let’s make sure that we do. Let’s see: What does the Torah have to say about respect?
Includes both Advisor and Teen versions.
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We may not talk about it out loud. We may not talk about it at all. But deep down, we all know that respect is what it’s all about. Kanye West doesn’t get it. Neither does Serena Williams. So let’s make sure that we do. Let’s see: What does the Torah have to say about respect?
Ask a few of the NCSYers who they consider as a role model that deserves respect? No matter who they name, ask them what they think the definition of respect is based on their role model. Whatever their idea is, try to create a dialogue to help them see why their person is or is not a good role model for someone who deserves respect. Then, compare the ideas with a definition of respect as found in the next sources.
SOURCE 1:
“Who is considered ‘honored’? One who honors other people.” - Mishna Pirkei Avos, Chapter 4, Mishna 1
Ok... So if I respect others, I will get respect. I get it. But how can I do that without first defining respect? What is real respect? What is at the heart of this Mishna?
SOURCE 2:
“‘Kavod’ is not about being polite or being a mensch. It is recognizing and publicizing something that your friend is great at. When I give honor to someone, I am telling the world about my friend’s greatness and importance.” - Alei Shur I, Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, p. 117-118
This helps us to understand HOW we can give respect. It means that when we see our friends and family, we need to focus on what they are great at. When I share with them how great they are, and I share it with others, I am giving respect.
Give a sample compliment sincerely to an NCSYer in your session. Ask him or her how it feels. Then, share the following: Giving respect is what we do to bring about that awesome feeling of being respected in other people. Ask them for examples of how they have given respect to their friends in the past.
For the next step, it is vital that we teach the NCSYer why it is important that we GIVE respect and not to CHASE respect.
SOURCE 3:
“Anyone who chases after Kavod, [the Kavod] runs away from him.” - Mesilas Yesharim, Chapter 22, R’ Moshe Chaim Luzzato
Namely, it is psychological... no one will give respect just because someone is looking for it. Whenever we try to create a sense of deserving Kavod, it doesn’t work. We may act a certain way, dress a certain way, talk a certain way... and everyone watching can see right through it. When we chase Kavod, the only thing we are really doing is chasing away the people from whom we are asking for the respect. Whenever we find ourselves chasing respect, we should ask: what is it about me that I want people to know? Once we figure that out, the more we work on that thing, the sooner we will gain respect for it. But one thing is for sure: to chase respect is as good as chasing respect away.
OPTIONAL SOURCE 4: [not found in NCSYers copy]
“A Little Kadosh”- Based on a True Story
A father noticed that his son was particularly good-hearted and pure. So, he nicknamed him “little Kadosh.” The child grew up with this nickname and slowly but surely, it was having an impact on him. One afternoon, this young boy, at the time 7 years-old, went on a family road trip with his parents and siblings. Toward the end of the trip, little Kadosh needed to go to the little boys’ room. His father sees a sign on the side of the road that reads, “Next Rest Stop 33 miles”; not the sign you want to see with a 7 year-old who has to go to the bathroom. try as he might to hold off the child, they pull over to the side of the road at what looks like a small town. One of the older siblings picks up little Kadosh and they start running to find a place to go to the bathroom. But at that hour of the night, it seemed nothing was open. Finally, with a faint sound in the distance, the older sibling scurries one more block and finds a bar. They run inside to a scene that little Kadosh has never seen before. People are throwing up, having contests of who can drink the most shots of whiskey in 60 seconds and beer-bongs. The child stands upright, as if he forgot that he had to go to the bathroom, looks up at his sibling and says with perfect conviction, “I can’t go to the bathroom here. I’m Kadosh and this place is not kadosh. Let’s find somewhere else for me to go to the bathroom.” With that, they left the bar and continued their search for a bathroom.
When we give Kavod to someone on a regular basis, when we constantly recognize and publicize a person’s strengths, it validates that person’s actions, his or her decisions, that led him or her to that point. Giving Kavod is an enabler, a powerful way to push someone forward in life, a sacrifice of your own desires so that someone else can succeed still more. It is the ultimate form of positive reinforcement. It is the ultimate form of raising the bar for your friends or children. Last but not least, it is the ultimate form of life- to see others as they deserve to be seen, placing ourselves second.